March 25, 2008
For a while I thought I was wasting my life. It felt like it. It seemed like it. I believed it. Then I thought about it and know that I am not. While my friends got a job, I lived in the Philippines. While they were getting married I lived in China. While they were having kids, I was in school trying to push forth and advance the young minds of this generation… which isn’t really happening… yet. I really have nothing to show anybody to prove that I’ve been productive. I make no money, I have no athletic abilities, I have no charm, I have no filter in what I say, I have too much hair on my chest… and my back, and… I just don’t give a crap.
But there are things that I freaking love, which i think make up for my lack of worldly ambition. Most people don’t now because I don’t like telling retards that don’t understand. But since on-line, I don’t have a face and I can blanket my insecurities and faults with pictures and words, I’ll give it a shot.
I love sound. It doesn’t have to be melodic or sequentially perfect in harmony but just something about the beak up of certain tones and pitches and waves… I love it. If you put it in music terms, the notes and melodies that most people notice are shredding solos or melodies like da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da (melody from the 9th symphony by Beethoven). But I love the ambient sounds that accompany or accentuate music. If you ever listen to a song and you don’t know what it is about the music but there is something that moves you and your heart tears open as the combination of tone, harmony, melody and the occasional scratches and hums of obscure instruments makes you clench your teeth and concentrate on breathing normally before your heart pops…. That’s the feeling I crave and that’s the way I try to live my life; they way the music makes me feel, that’s the way I try to live for whatever I believe in.
Another thing I love is “the little prince.” It’s a short little book written by a French author and it’s freaking amazing. If you copy and paste what I wrote about music and change all the words from “music” to “words”, you’ll get my futile attempt to explain the beauty of successions of words that come together to create a gorgeous story. Damnit I wish you guys can feel what I feel when I read this book. Most don’t and most won’t.
But even if I examine these things that make me feel the way it does, it doesn’t compare to what I feel when I realize that I’m living my life for Christ. Sounds pretty gay and cliché but there is no other way to put it. The fact that I’m living not for myself but living for something great… it’s an amazing feeling. Some of you won’t understand, some of you will refuse to understand, most of you will snicker and mock but I don’t give a crap. I chose to live poor and do something that is worth doing, worth living for, worth all my attention and all my passion. I don’t give a rat’s ass if you guys don’t like music. I don’t give a crap if you think “the little prince” is lame. and… to tell you the truth, I don’t give a crap what you guys think about Christ and who I’m living my life for. He called, and I’m doing it. Now that is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. The fact that nothing can be proven and yet I believe with everything I got. No one knows for sure and yet, somehow, I know. That is just freakin gorgeous.